Chapter Update April 20th 2015

April 25, 2015

9:55- The only people at chapter right now are the new inits and J Frank. Frank could actually drink every one of them,

9:57- Spiro walks in. Jacob Frank says he looks like Badger from Breaking Bad. I think he looks more like a stub nosed monkey. Could he be both?

Badger  Spiro  Monkey

10:04- Barto sits next to me. I am honored to be in his vicinity. He says nothing for the entirety of chapter, but his presence is known by all. The members ache to please him. Chad is envious of the bench seat beneath him. He whispers silently to himself “Why can I not be that bench” as a single tear rolls down his cheek.

10:04- Chapter begins.

10:05- In the interest of time we agree to ask the same three questions to each rush chair candidate: “Do you have a blazer and an overdeveloped sense of self worth?” “Are you soulless enough to tell a freshman that speed dating counts as a mixer with Kappa?” and “spit or swallow?”

10:06: Chad, Frank and Dalé are nominated for rush chair. New inits still can’t speak. Gibson and Kunkel are nominated for rush chair through sign language. Shivam isn’t at his first chapter ever, but he tried to nominate himself through smoke signals. He was unable to do so because he’s the wrong kind of Indian.

10:07: I know it looks like Dito is trying to grow a moustache. His mouth is actually trying to grow a third eyebrow. This is a symptom of Dito’s rare and terminal medical condition. His eyebrows grow like cancer, and the cancer is spreading. Within 3 months Dito will be nothing more than a giant eyebrow. Pray for Dito.

10:09- Peltz is talking. Don’t think I don’t see you Peltz. I see all. I know all. The only reason you are alive to read this is because I am a benevolent god.

10:10- Evan wants to create a Yik Yak monitor before rush. You can’t suppress my first amendment rights you fucking liberal.


10:18- Armen asks Frank if he would acquiesce to Sig’s rush chair. Frank, befuddled by the question, responds “I like long island Jews”

“Acquiesce: To accept something reluctantly but without protest.”

10:23- The Kunk runs for rush chair on the position of “I like all kinds of people”. He’s not lying, he just doesn’t consider minorities to be people.

Some other quotable snippets from Kunkel this week, courtesy of our groupme after he got kicked out of Cantina:

“Fuck Michigan and their inbred fuckin beards”

“Fuck Michigan all the money I pay to this worthless cock sucking miserable impoverished fucking state, y’all are peasant Ass mofckers”

and my personal favorite, “Ass face throat”

10:28- Chad claims to have done rush 3 times because he did most of Jarret’s work. There’s an important distinction to be made here. Jarrett sucked freshman dick because he was elected to do so. That makes him a rush chair. You sucked freshman dick because you wanted to. That makes you a pedophile.

10:37 – Sounds came out of Ashville’s mouth. They sounded similar to words, but certainly not words of this language. Was he having a religious experience? Was he speaking in tongues? Regardless, his moment with God was cut short because there was vodka to finish.

10:39- Evan and Jonah gave a “pitch” about Sig. Never have two speakers been so fond of their own voice.

What followed was another shit-throwing fest about sig. I could talk about it, but truthfully, if you need the blog to know about the sig thing, you don’t deserve to have an opinion on the sig thing. Instead, we have a larger issue. There are new inits on our floor. Be that as it may, many of the older members have said they still barely know them. Its too late to get mad, but the least I can do is give you a cheat sheet on how to remember them.

Andrew Vaysman: Contrary to popular belief, the used car salesman who has been walking around this house is actually your brother now. Tall and dark enough that girls forget about the third thing he could have been. On the other hand I heard his cousin could get you beats real cheap. Cried because he had to eat a fish.

Austin Fisher: Commonly refered to as Lord Farquaad, this new init’s claim to fame is getting impeached by his high school student council. Enthusiasm while drinking: 10. Ability to drink: 2.

Charlie Gibson: Common referred to as asian Mucci. If you took a balloon that looked like Kunin and overinflated it I imagine it would look a lot like Gibson. He is John Cho having an allergic reaction. He also pretty much saved my life on the way back from a darty once. So that was nice.


Christian Beckwith: Probably told you to fuck off at some point. Don’t be mad at him for being grumpy, he has to live with Noah. Looks like Bobby from king of the hill.


Conor Walters: You all know who the fuck Conor Walters is. Turns out he’s alright. Still, we bid him for his “sick hair” and now he’s bald, so I don’t see why he’s still here.

Shivam Vyas: The wrong kind of Indian. Really a shame.

Danny Kahn: Doesn’t look Jewish in a “New York tax lawyer” kind of way, looks Jewish in a “could have built the pyramids” kind of way. I thought his name was Zach Peltz for a good month into pledge term, so if you mess it up too, he understands.


Jared Kunkel: On the express track to becoming somebody’s racist uncle. Despite being Jewish, he might be a holocaust denier. Took dumpster fire to a formal, and we will never let him forget it.


Josh (Jason) Ashville: The one, the only. This kid takes so much heat from brothers I have no right to add to his pain. Starred in the Pixar film Ratatouille as Alfredo Linguine.


Josh Taranto: This little rascal’s claim to fame is having a car. And driving it drunk. Which is not fucking cool. One time JP drove his car to the Detroit airport and back and gave him 5 dollars. This would have been shitty, if JP could understand money.

Nick Kells: I can never tell if this kid is drunk or not. Talks like somebody who has years of problem drinking behind him. Drinks like all the new inits: poorly.

Michael Rygiel: Christian Bateman, American Psycho.

 Rygiel Bateman

Mitch Baker: There’s always one. If you’re looking for Mitch he’s probably hammered and causing harm to himself or others. Lost over $1000 of valuables in Canada. At least he came home with more dignity intact than Joey. Then again, Joey got more action from a border patrol agent than Mitch did from his girlfriend.


Robin Buttar: Contrary to popular belief he is not Shivam. No matter how many times you call him Shivam he will not become Shivam.


Zach Peltz: Too nice of a guy. Might be a sociopath. You probably like him, but you don’t trust him.


Tom Kidd: You probably took this kid’s lunch money back in elementary school. Then he got tall. You could still probably take his lunch money.


Seniors, these hopeful young fellows are the future of our fraternity. Come up and say hi some time, because they won’t initiate the conversation.


The Prestige

April 1, 2015

10:00- Torrey is wearing a black Jonathon Quick jersey so I’ll make a shout out to Avon Old Farms.

10:00- Julian is wearing a colorful outfit with a vest, hat, long-sleeve shirt, and Nike’s. If I were to classify it I’d say he looks like a lesbian soccer mom with a beard who is in rehab for overdosing on heroin. The scariest thing about that classification is that outside of the lesbian woman part it’s not that far from the realm of future possibility.

10:02- Armen is reciting an elongated story to somebody, but clearly that somebody is not listening because Armen keeps talking and nobody’s responding. Manheimer just showed up and he looks stressed out, but relative to his normal levels of anxiety, he’s calm. Dale just showed up from his Econ test. I’d like to imagine he did well but Jews are the only ones allowed to do well in Econ. DiBart is here and nobody seems excited about that. Worst of all, Sloppy is here, and he is beyond awkward holding this basketball in his hands. I know that under the new Deke rules I’m supposed to say complexion don’t mean a thing but you could throw that chunky monkey an extra two steps every time he drives the lane and he’d put up less in a night than a washed up Marcus Camby.

10:04- According to the socials we’re on sopro for two weeks in the aftermath of Tahitian. Not bad, but while everybody applauds the socials I’m over here booing the VP. Like clockwork, Vortex brings up that we should train our sobers working the door how to deal with cops. Here’s my suggestion: We strap down the lame excuse for a VP some of us refer to as Sloppy and surgically attach a pair of cow balls over his inny. Sloppy’s balls: third source of breast milk. Sloppy’s future two baby boys: second and third source of East Egg pussy.

10:06- Certain people get mad when I go in that hard. Levinson, he’s not one of the tri-state Jews fucking your girl so calm down. Bennett, Sloppy has paid his dues so this has nothing to do with that.

10:06- Some people can’t handle the truth. That’s why I’m here. One person who certainly can’t handle the truth is Jacob Weinberg because he’s going in on me real-time. He’s just brought up that I told him earlier in the semester that I’d make a Google doc or something along those lines that would organize the social schedule, among other things. Sounds like an interesting idea Berg, the next secretary should probably do that.

10:07- Pay for your frasters gear, Ian Marshall, and stop playing Yung Salad. Last time someone played Yung Salad like that they were in a corpse six-feet under in minutes after he got a couple of home boys on them. And no Pai Mei can train you to get out of this sticky situation. And no Scott Silverman can save you this time. There was a time when he was there for you but he picked the streets and you picked Mucci. There was a time when you went to the roof and shined your big-nose light across Ann Arbor and Silverman was there for you, but Silverman is no longer the hero Ian Marshall needs. There is no light inside the corpse so pay Yung Salad or let him show you the game.

10:09- We will actually still have house next year. Whether we have sex and drugs, who knows? We will still have Alfond so that’s something I think. We’ll probably still be stuck with DiBart, too. Hey if hell week starts soon I’ll have the sex, drugs, and house rendition entitled “House, Alfond, and Birdman DiBart” with an added two-minute Evan Dale outro ready to go. There will also be a digital booklet that will solely be comprised of Sussman peeing on sleeping dudes.

10:11- Barto is looking mysterious by the door in the distance. Lewin wants to be him, Eamon wants to be with him, and Sean wants Barto to vote for him in the CSG elections. I just want you to love me like Nelson.

10:12- E-board is talking about collecting dues, which is always a fun topic. The guys are interested in paying this company to help organize our collection of payments and enforcement of punishments for not paying. They say this is how we’re keeping the house. Hiring a company to do the dirty work doesn’t seem fun though. Rather, throw Colin some Adderall and a loaded AR-15 and he’ll hunt down the debtors. He may also go on a murderous rampage in which he kills anybody that has ever been mean to Garry, but I think that’s a cause everybody would support. On top of that, after hooking up with Glanzman last semester, Manheimer would probably be the first death. Nobody outside of Jacob Frank would be that mad about that, so I support Colin #MakeMichigan.

10:14- Jay Karafa is here fresh out of his EQ shift. Fresh he is, the new risk manager on the block. Taller than Sean, more flow than Sean, more resemblance to Bennett than Sean; this move seems like an improvement. The only question I have is to what extent is he actually the risk manager. I have Butters write these and send it from my email account so I want to know if Joey’s really doing all of Jay’s work. Nah, April Fool’s, I have Classic C-mus do it.

10:15- According to the philanthropist Classic C-mus, Frasters tee times have been moved up to accommodate for the people that want to go to the Spring Game. Kubik intervenes in the speech and reminds us all that we’re not on Deke property. I don’t think anybody was confused about that but it makes sense why Kubik felt the need to inform us. When a guy spends half of his time living in the house locked in his room, hanging upside down by his feet, masturbating to pictures of his little Jacob Frank porking Molly Morris as Kyle Walsh films in the corner while fingering his own asshole, I’d imagine it would be easy to become disoriented with this world.

10:18- The pledge event tonight will be ring of fire with an opening act of recitation. And as expected, the chapter explodes into complaining about how terrible these pledges are. As expected, but still incredibly, Armen is now making this discussion about himself. Rather, he’s complimenting himself. Even though he’s a current equivalent to an Armenian not-so-funny version of George Lopez, he does look flexible for his size. You’d have to be flexible and anatomically incorrect to talk on-and-on, give yourself a rim job, and gag on your own 4-inch dick at the same time. But somehow he does it and I applaud him.

10:19- Berg’s complaining about not getting interviewed by these pledges. You live with chi phis so that could be a reason but you say that most of the pledges have been at your house. I’d like to say they’re busy doing things at your place like cleaning but all you normally want to do is smoke, chill, and talk about who is going to be the NBA MVP with incredibly annoying reasons such as “yooooooo” and “but Westbrook.” Hmm, why don’t they want to interview/talk to you?

10:20- There is a beer pong tournament with a fake sorority that used to associate itself with Lady Reyes and thief/crack fiend Heidi on Thursday at 8. We don’t even know if they have nationals’ approval to have pregame partners but most of us enjoy beating women in activities that we’d lose in playing against dudes (Armus and Grant). It should be fun.

10:21- JP’s talking about formal and it seems like he was unable to recruit more brothers to sign up for formal. But, he does say junior socials have intentions of having a yacht date party next year. Man, the people we could kill by throwing them off the boat! Nobody would ever know! I should’ve probably held back that comment considering Sloppy has the money to hire a trained assassin on me, but hey, I’ll figure out a way to stop that. Let me think.

10:22- In the meantime, new-inits are being nominated for next year’s e-board positions and this is the most disorganized thing I’ve ever seen. Just when your idea of Field as a president starts to improve, this happens. I have no clue who is being nominated for what so I’ll just throw in my own votes preemptively.

10:23- VP: Ross Jablonus. I want to say John Marks but I think complaining about the VP is too integral of a deke pastime. Marks would actually do a good job and he can use words, so we can’t have that. Jablonus on the other hand would throw the future secretary so much good material.

10:24- Treasurer: I’m voting Neil Orans if he stops wearing American Eagle clothes.

10:25- Risk Manager: Jay, so fresh so clean.

10:26- Social: Ian Marshall, Alec Franks, and Ross Jablonus again.

10:27- Rush: Connor Walters because he looks sick, Jarrett because he thinks he looks sick, and Colin because he’s a sick menace (and because he looks rough with his beard).

10:28- Secretary: Either Alec Franks, Evan Dalé, or DiTo. I do want another battle royale, chapter update style, for whomever does run.

10:29- Field says we will end chapter by continuing our conversation about changing the culture of deke. All good things are being said. The crowd becomes loud and Sloppy fails miserably at settling everybody down. Vortex enters the conversation to tell the chapter to be careful about what we say on the listserve.

10:29- There’s the answer to how to stop Sloppy from hiring an assassin to kill me on the yacht date party! I’m leaking this blog and having the Michigan Daily publish it! They are power tripping hard on aiding the process to get fraternities kicked off. This would be a done deal. We’ll be those hardcore off-campus kids. I may be tried in the court of law and sentenced to a few years in jail for bullying among other things, but I’ll still be alive. Sloppy can’t risk his hopes of retiring at 50-years old in South Florida by going through with my murder because I already predicted it in the blog! He’d be the primary suspect!

10:30- Deke of the week goes to Noah for creating the awesome new soundboards as chapter comes to a close.

Vantage Point

March 26, 2015

10:02- Lebow: Young fools. Ah shake head, someone’s watching. Squirrel!

10:02- Keegan: It’s a good-looking group of guys here tonight. I would have a devil’s threesome with the majority of them. Is that something Matthew McConaughey would think? Oh, maybe, who knows? That Barto kid looks juicy. I’ve already had a threesome with Torrey and Celina D. That was nice. I just say thoughts under my breath and Torrey freaks out, that’s our relationship. I don’t understand people.

10:04- Field: Oh no, chapter’s about to start! I wonder if anybody knows that my internal conscious is a 12-year old Asian boy? I’m so nervous. Do you think they’d like me if I talked really loud? Would they like me then? They always say they don’t but the cool kids never say what they’re thinking. Welp, here it goes.

10:04- Seamus: Shut up Field! I will ruthlessly murder your entire family and nobody will know. To them I’m just an innocent Irish adolescent, but hah, just wait. Comm major, hah, it’s just a cover hehe. Oh just wait Field, you too Sloppy.

10:05- Field: I think this speech is working. Not quite sure what I’m saying but I’ve used a few four-syllable words so how could it go wrong? I should probably throw in a racist joke. That usually gets the people shaking their heads. Or is it nodding? I always get confused which one is which.

10:06- Vortex: Oooh I’m funny. I should say something funny. Or I could just do something weird with my hands. That’s funny too.

10:07- Sloppy: Chapter is so nerve-wracking. But this Black dog foreskin-jacket can give me the strength I need to talk! Steph got it for me. She kind of sucks and we only have sex like twice a year. She’s warm though and I like snuggling up to her pouches when I’m high. Oooh I like smoking! When Vortex showed me it for the first time last year it was so exciting.

10:08- Torrey: Field saying we’re one of the “more diverse fraternities on campus” is ridiculous. Savage. I’ll show you diversity. Just come get a haircut with me and I’ll show you diversity my man.

10:09- Salil: It’s fucked up how Torrey didn’t bring me to get a haircut with him in Detroit like we had decided. I freestyle and tell these fools it’s a cypher so they think I’m hood. In reality I get my cut at Supercuts off the highway in suburban NJ, but Torrey can’t know that.

10:10- DiBart: I can’t believe they haven’t figured out I’m a bird yet.

10:12- John Marks: If these kids were my sons, I would bend ‘em over backwards and give ‘em the ole Tennessee paschke spanking. Or is it Texas? Well if it’s in Texas it’s probably in Tennessee

10:13- Joey: If Evan doesn’t stop yelling, I just can’t even. I wish I could “can’t even” out loud. I love that line. I already have white mid-top converses so another step and I may be in a sorority. Two social chairs as sorority sisters is an issue.

10:14- Jonah: These kids think I’m a racist. They really think I’m a racist. I may be, but these kids are staring at me too hard, like it’s not even a question. Just because I’m like Armen, who is a racist, but not brown doesn’t mean I’m a racist.

10:15- Colin: I wonder if these people like my beard. Is it rugged or rough? Are people intimidated by me? These are my thoughts. I would like to have sexual relations with Garrett.

10:17- Eamon: I’m trying to put on this nice Eamon guy but it doesn’t work! I’ve just been so emotional recently, you know?! It’s that time in my moon cycle and I’m so stressed out with this pregame gossip! Why can’t people just love me back, god!

10:19- Spiro: Yeah these guys are goons, wait till I show him hah. I should be a bookie on this pregame odds thing. 2-1 gamma phi, 4-1 deeph, the rest no pregame partners. These kids are so dumb, I’ll get them this time.

10:20- Kunin: Pretty lights, pretty colors.

10:21- Mucci: My tits are so sweaty.

10:22- Jarrett: Is Jerry a fratty name? I’ll ask Chad.

10:23- Joey: Do these kids remember that Chi O is done. I forget things so I’ll bring it back up.

10:26- JP: I don’t understand these kids uh. It’s just formal, dude.

10:30- Keegan: Does a frasters foursome mean I get to have a foursome with two of these dudes and Celina D?

10:32- Berg: I wish I could raise dues just to up my embezzling funds to pay for sex with Emily.

10:33- Wozzy: I did not have sexual relations with that underage girl and steal her credit card.

Oedipus Tex

March 19, 2015

(Recall that Blog time is different than earth’s time. An hour on earth is equivalent to 20 hours in the Blog world)

10:03- Vortex slowly stepped his way towards door 3 and twisted the door’s golden handle. As he pushed open the creaking door, darkness consumed the coliseum and blinded all spectators. What appeared ahead was clear to Vortex. He entered the underworld. The door slammed shut behind him and the crowd went silent.

10:04- Ahead of Vortex was a tribal circle comprised of the ghosts of Mr. Sussman’s past. Vortex stood outside the circle. A man with a thumb for a face, the father of each and every one of the on-looking ghosts, was giving a speech about giving back to the less fortunate underworld ghosts. Then, as Vortex tried to ask the ghosts where he was, the thumb’s face turned on its axis towards Vortex. The thumb screeched, “You are in your mind, your peaceful, innocent mind. We survive out here in the cold around this campfire, dead immortal minds exiled from the wrath of the Blog devil. That is not your destiny, though. There is a trail, a trail controlled by the Blog devil. Make it through this trail and trust nobody. The Blog devil stands at the end of this trail, pulling the strings of the robotic minds of the people of the underworld. What you must do then nobody knows. But, you will. On your way now.”

10:05- On his way out of the tribal grounds, Vortex was stopped by Mr. Sussman wearing a white tank. Mr. Sussman stared into the eyes of Vortex and told him one thing, “This Blog underworld is as foreign to you as real life to a private school kid. I do not have the time or the optimism to familiarize you with this hell. But, there is this one rule. Trust those wearing white. Fear those wearing black; they work for the Blog devil. Those wearing red, nobody knows.” Vortex shook his hand and travelled into the shaded cobblestone trail.

10:06- In the distance Vortex saw a city of green. He moved off the trail and entered the gates of the city. The city was inhabited by a swarm of elf boys, tanned Asians with Blog-Hispanic last names, and deranged Blog-Jewish girls. The elf boys were befriending an albino named Levinson as the tanned Asians bounced around the city fiending for Blog-cocaine. Vortex found his place with the large-nosed Blog-Jews as they complimented his dance moves. Vortex recalled that nobody is to be trusted but was captivated by the compliments of the Blog-Jews.

“Be here with us, forever,” they sang.

A Ping-Pong ball struck Vortex in the face from the trail. It was his friend from the Blog world, Joey. He screamed to Vortex, “Chi O done. Don’t be content with this low-tier Jewish pun.” Vortex turned to the Blog-Jews in this green city and began to walk towards Joey. The Blog-Jews pulled him back, pleading, “You can have us. Be like your big Baumer, shush your mouth, and have us however you’d like.” Vortex replied, “But I must go.” The girls grew in stature as their eyes turned black.

“You don’t have a choice! You must stay!” they shouted in unison. They began to tie him down and undress him as he fought back. They took off his pants and began to go for his penis, but the touch of his foreskin made the Blog-Jewish girls explode immediately. Vortex remained unharmed, put his clothes back on, and went to Joey.

10:08- Joey and Vortex walked into the sunset. When the night grew cold they came across a series of steps with a door on top. At the base there was a table. Sitting there was a blonde child in black. Vortex recalled Mr. Sussman’s words but walked up to the table. The child looked so innocent. Vortex asked, “What’s your name little guy?”

“Ian Marshall,” he replied, “do you have a wristband?” Vortex shook his head.

Ian whistled towards two birdmen seated on an elevated surface on a marble column at the top of the stairs. They did not hear him, so Ian hollered, “Orans and JP, we have a live Blog person!”

“What are you doing?” asked Vortex.

“What needs to be done,” answered Ian, “You are living. For you to be here, we must kill you.” Vortex tried to get by Ian. In turn, Ian took Joey’s neck and threatened to end Joey’s life right there and there if Vortex were to take another step. The birdmen started their descent to the base when Vortex frantically asked, “What can I do for you that the Blog devil never could?” Ian stood there as if no soul lived behind his face. An Indian J. Cole walked up to them from the woods to the right of the stairs. He had a basketball in hand. Vortex took the ball and offered it to Ian, sighing under his breathe, “Not in my wildest dreams [will this work].”

Ian mistook his comment and his eyes lit up, “You have hoop dreams, too?” In astonishment, Vortex replied, “Yes! If you save me and my friends and come with us, I will find a way to make your hoop dreams a reality.” Ian nodded, called off the hungry birdmen, and led Joey, Indian J. Cole, and Vortex up the stairs to the door. He opened the door and again darkness consumed their surroundings. They entered the underworld of the Blog underworld as the door behind them slammed shut.

10:11- The door was a door to a study hall on a college campus. The desks had been thrown about and ceiling tiles were on the ground. The carpet was torn apart and walls were punched in. Police (of the Blog underworld’s underworld) sirens blasted in the background and a swat team was climbing the stairs up to the room. The only person there was a large surfer dude with a nametag that read “Risk Manager Jay.” Jay was crying on the floor, repeating the line, “I’m going to jail like those Sammy kids,” to himself. Vortex asked where they were and Jay replied, “Rackham.”

“Was Sloppy here and are there witnesses that can attest to the fact that he was here?” asked Vortex.

“Yes,” replied Jay, “but why?”

“Are there any more nametags?” asked Vortex.

“Yes,” answered Jay. Vortex took a pen and scribbled on a nametag: “Vice president Sloppy.”

“Here’s the plan,” Vortex told Jay, “Nobody has ever heard you or Sloppy talk before. And given Sloppy has never made his presence known in administrative things, they won’t question you if you say you are Sloppy. Confess to it all being your fault, or rather, Sloppy’s fault. Only then can we save the fraternity from a Sammy destiny.”

“Chi O, done?” asked Joey.

“For now,” replied Vortex.

10:13- Vortex led Ian, Joey, and Indian J. Cole out of Rackham. A few blocks down the lit-up streets of the Blog underworld’s underworld in the night, Vortex noticed a stage and a public speaker atop that stage. Thirty or so men sat facing the speaker, who appeared to be a white plantation owner, on their knees. Gunmen stood behind the kneeling men, with automatic rifles directed at their heads inches away. Vortex, Ian, Joey, and Indian J. Cole hid behind a bush on the side of the stage. Then the speech started. “I am your grand ruler, King Field. I once was benevolent. But you do not respect my reign. I will not show remorse for those who attempt to perform a coup to take my power. And I will not give peace to those who attempt to murder and scalp my fellow politicians.”

“What can you even do?” hollered a Leonardo DiCaprio-looking figure with a Boston accent kneeling in front of the stage, “We’re already the dead of the dead in this hell of all hells.”

“It’s funny you asked that,” replied King Field with a smirk, “When you die down here, you enter Blog-limbo: An empty world of darkness and my voice, always at its highest shout, making insensitive comments that are in no way humorous. But, I enjoy listening to myself, and soon, you will choose to enjoy it too or eternally suffer.” Vortex’s face turned red.

“Never!” hollered Vortex. He took a knife lying on the stage and stabbed a startled King Field. As he did so, the stage collapsed.

10:15- Unbeknownst to the crew of Vortex, Joey, Ian, and Indian J. Cole, they were not the only people with intentions to crash and ruin Field’s power trip. The Blog-illuminati planted bombs under the stage that were supposed to blow up a minute after Vortex stabbed Field. On the other side of the stage, the present members of the Blog-illuminati, Colin and Garrett, ran towards Vortex and told him that the bomb was about to blow. Vortex took the knife, quickly scalped Field in seconds and ran off. The soon-to-be-massacred rebels had been able to escape the grasps of some of the soldiers but some were shot and killed. The crew led by Vortex and now accompanied by Colin and Garrett took the guns and shot down the remaining soldiers. The Blog underworld’s underworld army was arriving in the distance, so the six of them sought refuge in a hotel, as the stage blew up.

10:19- In the lobby of the hotel they found a group of formally dressed men and their dates. The Blog-Canadian flag flew outside the window. One of the suited men wearing an all black tux handed Vortex a beer. Vortex took a sip. The hotel security rushed out and grabbed Vortex and his friends. They dragged them to a backroom, tied them down and took off the bags they had placed on their heads. On a blackboard on the back wall, there was a 64-team bracket where one of the 64 teams was listed as “the outsiders.”

“Are we ‘the outsiders’? ” asked Vortex.

“Yes,” replied one of the girls, “I am Ann Marie Sweeney and you are the 64th team in our pi phi death-match bracket. Win, and we are your partners in crime, but more specifically, pregames forever. Lose, and you lose more than you could ever imagine.”

The six of them were brought by the girls to an open pit, surrounded by 63 other captured groups of men. “In the first round, you advance by winning a 1-on-1 basketball game to 11. You’re up first,” Ann Marie said as she pointed to the six of them and another crew.

Ian stepped up and won 11-0. In the second round, the teams had to code a virtual hand job device. Garrett took center stage and won before the other crew could even write a line of code. In round 3, to advance, a crew had to choose a member to win a freestyle rap competition. Indian J. Cole took the microphone and spit so hard his opponent was left speechless. In the quarterfinals, the competition was a high-pitch screaming contest, which Joey won easily. In the semifinals, the teams competed in a wheelchair race. Colin beat the other competitor by 15 seconds, setting the course record.

10:22- Then came the finals. A man named Seamus came up who brought a projector and a laptop. “To be the champion,” Ann Marie stated, “you must tell us what the content of the email header you are going to receive is about, without actually reading the email.” Vortex stepped up. The email header appeared on the screen and it was entitled, “Thursday Mixer with Tri Delt at Church! ;)”

The opponent clicked in before Vortex and answered, “It’s a college mixer!” He was wrong.

Vortex speedily clicked in and nervously answered, “Philanthropy?” Ann Marie threw up her arms and declared “the outsiders” the champions. “The outsiders” left the back of the hotel and entered into an arena.

10:24- “Come one, come all!” screamed a skinny snake-man wearing an all red suit. It was a beauty pageant they had just entered and the crew of Vortex, Joey, Ian, Indian J. Cole, Colin, and Garrett took seats in the back. “Are yall ready for the Mr. Blog Underworld’s Underworld competition, brought to you by your favorite political party ‘Make Blog’s Underworld’s Underworld?’ “ The crowd cheered. “Then get ready for our first participant, my personal lover boy, Mike Barto!” The crowd cheered louder and louder as Mike Barto was brought out in make-up and chains.

Vortex was morally opposed to the evil on stage and stood up. From the back he yelled, “Stop!” and the crowd went silent.

“Come to the front my boy,” said the skinny snake-man. As Vortex stepped down to the center of the arena, the crowd disappeared. Only Joey, Ian, Indian J. Cole, Colin, and Garrett remained seated in the back.

10:26- “You are Oedipus Tex, the man of the prophecy,” the skinny snake-man told Vortex, “I am Sean and I am the Blog devil’s personal servant. You have come a long way my boy. You have come to the second-to-last step in your journey. Behind this stage here lies the immense mansion of the Blog devil. If you are to fulfill your prophecy and liberate the Blog people of the Blog world, you will enter the mansion and defeat the Blog devil. But, here is a word of note my boy. There are consequences to your victory, evil consequences. Do you like your new friends?”

“Yes,” replied Vortex sternly.

“To liberate the Blog people is to give your five friends to Blog-limbo for eternity. If you so choose to pursue your destiny as the liberator of all Blog people, an epic fight will ensue between you and the Blog devil. You will win, but your friends will sacrifice themselves in doing so. To save millions of strangers is to kill your five friends.”

“So, I present you an alternative. To the left of me is a door back to the Blog world. Understand my boy, I have one power unique to me in all of the Blog. I have the power to erase an interval of memory. Enter this door and I will eliminate all memories, or rather, the existence of your journey into the coliseum, into the Blog underworld and the underworld’s underworld. Your friends will go with you. We will maintain the status quo. The evil of all three layers of the Blog world will remain, but your friends will be safe.”

10:27- Vortex stood there for a long moment. He knew that it was his destiny to liberate the Blog people. He also knew he could have never gotten here without the help of his friends.

10:28- Vortex chose to enter the mansion with his five friends, not trusting the words of Sean’s prophecy for him, as Mr. Sussman had warned him. The mansion was empty.

They climbed the circular stairs at the back of the mansion to the sixth floor. The sixth floor was a hallway with numbered doors. Out of room sixty-six, they heard noise. They walked to it and Vortex opened the door. Light hit their eyes. The Blog god turned around, sitting in his throne in the Blog coliseum.

“I am the Blog devil and the Blog god alike, “ he said.

He looked into their eyes and the six fainted to their death, paralyzed by the gaze of the all-powerful man.

The fire took those six boys that day. The only remains of Vortex are his scattered ashes among the sand of the Blog coliseum and the legend of his tragic heroics.

The (Penis) Imitation Game

March 11, 2015

10:02- There’s a conversation going on pre-chapter right now between Butters, JP, and DiBart. What those three could possibly be talking about, who knows? My bet is they’re sharing how turbulent their flights back to Mars over spring break were, but in all honesty Butters is probably offering x-boxes to DiBart and JP to allow him to skip father’s weekend and show up on foot to Formal for his love Jenny is in California doing acid. She got the hiv butters, and although Julian possesses a lot of drugs, he ain’t running no Dallas buyers’ club.

10:03- Beer pong is on Tuesday. I’m expecting this to be a prime example of great intentions, poor execution from Eamon.

10:04- Thursday’s mixer with gamma phi is Americana themed so put on your mustache and show off your Mexican tan from spring break. Friday’s mixer with deeph is Black Panther themed so wear your camo, watch Fruitvale Station with Christian during the pregame, and call Armen ignorant. We got shafted from the DU St. Patty’s Day party so drink some Guinness and let out the emotions you somehow suppressed during Fruitvale Station. Derek will be there to console you and suggest a battle royale against DU.

10:05- Eamon’s reading us his texts with dudes from other fraternities how I’d imagine, well, a sorority girl reading them. I don’t see an Adam’s apple on that kid. His nose is convex not concave. Wait, Ian Marshall has a convex nose as well. But he’s not a girl; he showed me his dick when he came in to the bathroom during a mixer once, thinking I was Silverman. They’re not gay but rather they inspect each other’s privates ever since they started running around town fucking Mucci. And a requirement of being in Sig Ep is exposing your units so Eamon has to be a dude, too. Maybe he’s just XXY. Does he have webbed feet?

10:07- Armen asks to improve dude relations; so, he could actually be a girl. Only Jonah has seen his stuff. Jonah doesn’t believe in evolution or modern medicine so it must be a crazy mystery to him how a bearded dude appearing figure has an inny, not an outty.

10:07- Who saw me talking about penises all blog?

10:07- Gorski, Gorski did.

10:08- Armen says he will be providing guns to those under 21 during father’s weekend. Just because you’re packing doesn’t mean you’re packing, Armen.

10:08- Carlson has a mangina.

10:09- Barto and Berg shaved. Sussman didn’t so is he Barto now? Bennett could replace Sussman if Sussman replaces Barto. Then I guess Jay could be Bennett. Joey’s doing all of Jay’s talking already so nobody really needs to replace Jay. “Can I be Garai?” No, Sloppy, you can’t. Garai is an aid to e-board so we can’t be going around replacing people in positions of power. If you want to be Chad you can.

10:10- We’re talking about IM now and apparently there are plenty of options. No soccer, though, that’s invite only. If anybody ever sends an email out saying there are open spots on IM soccer, which there are, I’ll say it’s full. They’ll never know. This is schemey shit and it got me feeling like Seamus.

10:11- We’re getting a housing update. We need people to live in! I got your five, Berg:

  1. Garrett- he’ll only move from one place to another if you tell him to. Lock him in the room when the temperature goes sub-70s and he’ll walrus till May.
  2. Frank- he hasn’t gotten mipped yet which seems like a miracle with an expiration date coming up in the near future. If we keep him in the house, the miracle is more likely to continue.
  3. Chad- he likes the freshman better than the current live-ins so it seems like a step-up for him.
  4. Armen- he would if it was socially acceptable. Oh he’s graduating? He’s 100% still coming to chapter next year so it only seems practical.
  5. Alfond- a fifth year senior graduating in 2018 is really just an “Expendables” version of a sophomore.

Put Armen and Alfond in the second floor double and they’ll split mid-year. If that’s not a classic deke live-in situation, I don’t know what is.

10:13- Jarmus showed up and that’s notable as socials announced that there will be a deeph mixer this Friday. Him showing up is like somebody driving drunk to arrive late to a MADD meeting held around the tombstone of a young boy who died in a drunk driving accident.

10:13- Skrappa is having its annual swabbing to save a life philanthropy event. Not quite sure what that means but it seems like we’d be donating semen. I’m reserving mine for Abby Madison. Frank says he will offer his semen to Molly Morris put she prefers the dip-spit creations of Kyle Walsh. Sean wants to give his to LG but she knows to never go near a deke again, especially around bathrooms, so she’ll probably refuse.

10:14- Mitch Jurries did it last year and was matched. Is his baby Pesavento? Could be some Benjamin Button type deal. Pesavento is real wrinkly and talks like an 80-year old man so I’m going to say yes, Pesavento is Jurries’ baby Benjamin Button.

10:15- Deeph is on sopro so the Friday mixer at Zaragon or East U needs to be low key, which seems like an impossible task. Kubik says he we’ll find out soon enough what they did. I’m guessing they tried to force Sarah Seamus to give the political V, but she’s in love with a certain dark-haired, caring, poetic, misunderstood man on the third floor. I will always wait for you Sarah, know that. Your smile lights up my day and your eyes make me want to go into the light if I can’t have you in this world. Let me be yours Sarah, and you will never desire anything more. Be mine Sarah, and I will cherish you for all my life.

10:15- Amongst all of this talk of PT night, Field says he has one or more friends outside of deke. Two questions there: Do you really, Field? And if so, I thought we weren’t allowed to maintain our friendships outside of deke, have we changed that rule?

10:18- Now we’re talking about parlor fees and I may send a Google poll out to test if anyone in this fraternity knows what a parlor fee is. You don’t Sloppy. You don’t Field. And if you guys do you learned it maybe a week ago.

10:20- People are going to praise Mucci and Franks in days to come for their efforts on the shirts for Tahitian and St. Patty’s Day respectively. This is live, bitches, and Seamus shat on your designing careers. We won’t clean it up here. Mucci 2/10 and you only get points cause I like calling you Tutti Mucci. Franks 3/10 because I like you better than Mucci and my older brother’s name is Alec. Gorski 9/10 because raising those duck-sized Downs Syndrome litter children can’t be an easy task as a full-time student. Wait, you’re in Ross so it can’t be too hard. 7/10 Gorski and that’s generous.

10:21- JP says formal will be in the Canadian variation of Windsor. It won’t be in Caesar’s Palace, though. Did Caesar really live there? We’re doing another place then. Will there be a sauna and a continental breakfast in the other place? There’s no joke here, I just really want to have a sauna and continental breakfast on formal.

10:24- Kunin tells me he was in the 99-percent tile for his March Madness bracket last year. The 1% was Bloch. I’m calling for an occupy Zaragon 908 but scalping each e-board member is priority number one so we’ll talk about occupying Zaragon 908 later.

10:25- Reyes is wearing mid-top white converse shoes. It should be noted that only white jappy girls wear mid-top white converses.

10:26- Chapter comes to a close as Paul wins deke of the week for catching Moby’s dick over spring break and posting it on Facebook.

A Few Good Dekes

February 26, 2015

10:03- We’re about to start here and Manheimer’s baked. Whether he smoked or not nobody knows. His lineage does meth-laced cocaine and masturbates up-side down so, in the words of Kevin Garnett, anything’s possible. So, whether he’s baked because of that weed or because he has spent long periods of time in Jablonus’ over-heated rape dungeon, he is baked. That’s for sure.

10:04- Kubik with this hooded robe looks like Kung-Fu panda if the panda was based off George Zimmerman.

10:05- Torrey, wearing his grey hoodie, switches sides of the room, away from Kubik. Kubik follows.

10:05- Chapter begins and Field loudly pronounces that he will not scream this chapter, as he is ill. He tells us this while screaming. A hypocrite he is, but hopefully he’ll lose his voice for good. I mean we already have one e-board member who is a mute, so might as well make it two.

10:06- Eamon apologizes for nearly getting us on sopro last Saturday night. He admits he drunkenly made these plans after a long day at winterfest. It wasn’t like Field or Sloppy were stopping him, though. The only late night activity the two of them have ever shut down was last week when Steph and Evan’s fire-crouch girlfriend, whose name nobody knows, drunkenly desired Jacob Frank’s loins. Frank refused anyway, insisting he only desired Woz. Woz insisted he was not interested in Frank, though, exclaiming a robot does not feel like we humans do.

10:07- Frasters is coming soon, but it will conflict with Easter. Ian Marshall finally arrives as Kubik shares this development. Marshall hears this but isn’t shaken up; there cannot be a worse Easter for him than last year’s. Every year, his family hosts an Easter egg hunt, and although the hunt is usually restricted to those under the age of 17, Ian cried so his mother allowed him to participate. He had a special reason to want to participate, for he brought his new best friend Scott Silverman to the family event. This was the first time any Marshall had ever brought a friend to their prized Easter get-together, so it became the talk of the town. At 10am the eggs were positioned around the property, Mrs. Marshall told the children the egg hunt started and the kids ran off. The special kink to the Marshall egg hunt is that if a child returns with one egg and the special golden egg, he or she automatically wins. After ten minutes, Silverman returned with the golden egg. Mrs. Marshall congratulated him and asked if he had that other egg. With everybody watching, Silverman pulled out a wrapped Afikoman. The party went silent. Ian froze, realizing that his golden boy was a Jew!

10:08- We’re still talking about Frasters, specifically that we need to talk to our friends in other frats about signing up for the open tournament at the University of Michigan golf course. Jablonus responds that he has talked to other frat guys and none of them know exactly what frasters is. Just bring them to your rape dungeon and they’ll get the idea Jablonus; we put balls in holes and always do it in the rough.

10:09- We need dues for Tahitian. There’s a chance you can’t come to Tahitian if you haven’t paid dues or have a plan for paying for dues. There’s no chance that gets enforced, cause the fact is while half of us have been accepted to receive the Sam Bloch scholarship that pays half of a brother’s dues, the party is going to be so much better with a drunk and jolly Paul and no drunk and 40-year old virgin-y Sam Bloch than the other way around. Yes it’s either Paul or Sam Bloch; we can’t have both. Too much chest hair causes too much friction and the idea that there could possibly be a fire will cause a drunken white girl Naderi to pull the fire alarm.

10:10- Bennett suggests that we donate to a sperm bank to fund Tahitian. Would you prefer 100-pig sized Gorskis or one Gorski-sized pig?

10:11- That last comment isn’t that far-fetched if you really think about it. The Gorski-sized pig is actually just Gorski. And we know Gorski’s sperm would be statistically-significantly successful in fertilizing an egg. What would grow would be undersized, somehow inbred-looking feisty little people with a few too many 21st chromosomes. A gang of Down’s Syndrome mini-Gorskis will be jealous of Gorski’s superior Ross intelligence and murder him in ruthless fashion. So when you decide if the sperm bank route is the move, ask yourself, do you prefer one Gorski or a bunch of chinless retarded little Gorskis?

10:12- Field suggests hiring a debt collector company to better collect dues. I’ve always paid my dues so I don’t really know how people are forced to pay but I always thought Neal Dachstadter was our debt collector and his poems were just subtle demands to have kids pay dues. For example he wrote this,


Le Dues over Sunset

To the funds pointed Weinberg

None it says here did he exclaim,

Dijon where we falter

The hot dog but never the condiments


A simple sunset but no picnic

Beauty in the simplicity

But no longer does the sun set in Deke

No dues and the solar eclipse lasts eternity


Women are made of the sun

Zeta Zeta does foster renewable

Omicron in the fossil fuels of the great north

To grow scarce and peak so young

(Tagged: Paul Devos, Derek Cohen, Gerrid Gee, Eli Seamus Michael Schienholtz, Miss Martinique)

10:14- Chad makes a Jewish joke under his breath and I don’t appreciate that. My ears are everywhere. My eyes range a full 720-degrees. I sense magnetic fields. Don’t test me.

10:14- Armen pleads for people to sign up for variety, sing, and dance for Greek week. He even admits you can do sing without actually having to sing and throws us some Frank Ocean style hymns. It’s fitting of his personality. As Donald Glover says, Armenians are the Black people of white people. From my point of view, Armenians are the New Jersey Jews of Christian people. So Armen is Drake. But, Toemas is Drake. Is Toemas Armen? Is Armen Toemas? Is this some Fight Club shit and Toemas’ Tyler Durden is Armen? Given their two personas this is much more Black Swan. Toemas is the White Swan and Armen is the Black Swan. Imagine that lesbian scene. I could see both of them doing ballet.

10:16- DiTo admits nobody likes the Greek week shirts. They do like the type of shirts you would get if you declared as a stats major. Walsh has one so he’ll show you. Walsh isn’t a stats major anymore, though, because figuring out if packing four lips at a mixer is a statistical outlier when nobody else has packed a single one was just too difficult. Or it could be that Molly Morris is a math major and Walsh was too worried about being inferior to his ex-girlfriend.

10:17- High Reyes asks people to consider doing variety. I’m not quite sure what variety is but Reyes seems right for it. Reyes brings all the variation to the table. He is Philippine which is group of people that neither the Asians nor the Hispanics acknowledge. He is in the school of Kinesiology, which is the study of the prerequisites required in real majors. He lives in church, but actually enjoys pregames. He is from the 908 but he is the one breaking hearts. He made it to weblow level in the Boy Scouts, but likes sucking dick. Wait, that last one is not contradictory.

10:18- Field says that if you didn’t take a new composite photo but would like to be on the composite you should talk to Sloppy. Armen then proposes that we create a list noting the things Sloppy has not done yet. Let’s see Armen, he has moved into the corner room on the second floor without telling anyone, creating a three room double only utilized to play Fifa. He has let the heat break on the third floor twice. We lost Butters the second time. He has complemented Field’s scream at chapter by being completely silent. Pray for Butters. Pray for a political coup. Pray that the heat emanating off of the kitchen while Field attempts to burn the house down will heat up the third floor.

10:20- TQ night will start at 10:30 and the pledge masters have a new plan. Each room will drink a fifth, then eat cheeseburgers, and then finish their second fifth. That’s two fifths of tequila between four people with cheeseburgers. We are having a date party pregame at Wendy’s essentially.

10:22- Everybody’s pissed in this place and with good reason. I shared my qualms last blog so I’m not going to go in this time.

10:26- Scharich changed his mind and the cheeseburgers will come after TQ night! So, it will be a regular date party.

10:29- Deke of the week goes to Bennett for his winterfest displays as Berg interrupts to talk about Abe. You find him yet Berg?

10:31- Dale brings up IM sports, but seriously, chapter is over.

Kill Field, Vol. 2

February 19, 2015

10:00- It’s ten o’clock and ten people are here. A proper deke minyan we have. We start with the Mourner’s Kaddish for Ian Marshall’s hoop dreams.

10:02- Field opens chapter standing safely on the elevated surface (let’s see if that lasts) wearing a light blue shirt two sizes too small with a lobster logo on the right hip. The lobster logo is colored with a semblance of the American flag.

10:02- The funny thing is you thought I was going to go with the “Field likes elevated surfaces cause he’s a former sorority girl with flappy tits that are a poor representation of his plump double-d’s from the 80s” route or the “he reminds me of a shellfish cause Jews hate him” direction but I’m not. The real humor here is that you once had to wear a tie to speak at chapter. Once, you had to be respectable to be president. Once, Seamus was Eli. Once, Reyes was a program director on a Carnival cruise ship. Once, John Marks fought for our country and won. But, nothing was the same, so here we are.

10:03- Sean is here and I direct you to a picture on his girlfriend’s Facebook page for a good laugh.

10:04- Our winterfest game starts at 9:30 but the actual festivities start at 8am with beam team. I believe Torrey said we will be doing beam team with gamma phi. Sounds dangerous but what’s more dangerous are the memories of what Frank is wearing right now. He’s wearing that pink Greek week t-shirt from last year. He wore that shirt for a week straight last year when he was dating that Asian girl. Then he changed his major for the fifth time to international relations, in this instance, and realized rumors of his ratchet late night ways couldn’t spread beyond the continent for him to have a proper career. So he cut off the relationship, with the advice from his rationalist Woz.

10:06- Berg says we have a pretty awesome Jewish thing on Friday and it’s that Jewish Greek Council Shabbat dinner. There will be wine.

10:08- There will also be a mixer that night as well. Its theme is Catholic school. By my estimate that doesn’t quite make sense although it’s straight out of an odd Holocaust version of Kill Bill. Volume 2 begins and local Jews have joined the Jewish dekes in preparing for Shabbat dinner. Torrey (he’s the man) is playing piano in the corner as Berg explains the details for the rest of the night. Ian Marshall shows up in the doorway and Scott Silverman, who is attending the dinner, runs over to greet him. They have an awkward conversation for Silverman knows Ian has no good reason to be there. Berg heads over to intervene in the odd exchange and Ian tells Berg that he is a long lost friend of Silverman and has come to make up for the lost time by guiding them in a prayer over the wine. Berg is ecstatic to have Ian and leaves the conversation. Silverman hugs Ian and walks back to the dinner as the sun sets outside of the soundboards. Ian motions to gentile people in the front yard, who then walk in with loaded ak-47’s. In a matter of seconds the Shabbat dinner is massacred and Ian walks up to the fallen Silverman, who’s grabbing on to his fleeting life. He kneels and whispers into Silverman’s ear, “You’ve turned my hoop dreams into hoop nightmares.”

10:09- Saturday’s mixer (at the time of the publication Thursday’s mixer) with adpi is beach themed. Are we going shirtless? That’s giving me poopy body memories so think of something else, Dave. Do I refer to myself as Dave rather than David or Freling or something else? Yes. Back to the beach theme. Will there be a wet t-shirt contest starting promptly at 11? If so, I nominate Jordan Mucci and poopy body. Ahhhhhhhhhh, poopy body again! Okay, think of anything else. Steph Madigan? Nope, another poopy body. Mike Garai? Third source of poopy body.

10:10- DiTo says the design for Greek week shirts is coming. With DiTo’s intervention in chapter comes my weekly “The Departed” reference. DiTo and Dale stand outside Rick’s, watching out as Kuhlmann secretly gets with Jonah, even though he already publicly came out of the closet in front of all the pledges during rush. DiTo proposes his theory to Dale, which is: if somebody walks by and ignores you, he or she’s a chi phi. Dale shakes his head and says he’ll try it out. Berg walks by with his headphones on and disregards DiTo and Dale. Dale looks back at DiTo and they both smile.

10:11- Reyes is taking the lead for dancing for Greek week. He learned those skills in his Carnival cruise days.

10:12- John Marks wants an update on formal possibly being in Canada. No Grant, stop leaning over my shoulder to push me to write a joke about him not having a passport. Marks is a saint and you wish you could be him for even just an hour.

10:12- Actually being Marks for an hour would be terrible. To embrace heaven for an hour is to live in hell for an entire lifetime. It is all relative and the world six feet above the ground through those squinty eyes is only flowers and doves whereas a life lived with that fleeting experience is equivalent to the world six feet below. I do not wish that upon you Grant and I apologize.

10:13- Naderi and Cook show up and they are very baked. I noticed so don’t think you are that suave, San Francisco homeless man and Max Meyer.

10:14- Bednar says our “TQ night was good” to which Kubik responds, “I broke my ankle!” TQ night has left us with Armus and Jablonus dying (which taught us they must be cats), Paul’s leg being covered in urine, and Kubik breaking his ankle, apparently. But Bednar had fun, so that’s all that matters

10:16- Alternatives to kidnappings during this pledge term sound feminine, soft, and dumb so I’d just rather not jot any of this down. Instead I actually have some serious thoughts to share:

I am pissed about the current state of pledge term. Do we need to have our winter pledges sport nametags? I only know half of them by name and I don’t think I am alone in feeling this way. And if the logistics for a winter pledge term haven’t changed, we’re looking at a week until spring break plus a month at most when we get back March 9th of pledge term. So they have five weeks left. In the first three or so weeks they have done a half-assed rock night that didn’t occur at the rock or end past dawn, serenade practice that new-inits attended with the same commitment as the pledges themselves, and a song night. Throw in a TQ night (maybe) on Monday and they will go into spring break with the end in sight. This moment in pledge term is equivalent timing to the fall pledges leaving for Thanksgiving break. Yet, I feel like these pledges are still day 1.

The responses this semester to the sentiments above have been “it’s been too cold,” “but they may drop” or “the mixers have been shitty.” It’s not too cold, the winters last year did rock night in the snow scraping ice off the rock in nearly below-0 weather. And they have already dropped because the mixers have been shitty, so a weaker pledge term ain’t doing much. The beauty of the mixers as a pledge should be that it is the one time you get to be in the house and hit on girls rather than being hollered at in the basement. It is a break. Ideally, the pledges all show up for this, for is the one time they all get to have fun together as a group. But, this winter pledge term, they don’t show up. They don’t need to. They don’t need a break. If you want to keep these kids from dropping you crank up pledge term, get them excited for mixers, and pull them together. They can’t hate pledge term unless we make them hate pledge term. They can’t get excited for mixers unless they need that time to let it all out. They can’t love each other as pledge brothers unless they feel the need to come together as a group. They will drop if they don’t think you need to overcome and be special to be a deke. And if they were to drop due to the struggles of pledge term, do we want them in the first place?

So I leave you with these questions. Do these pledges seem like brothers, cousins, or odd acquaintances to you? Do you want brothers who don’t have stories to share from rock night and scavenger hunts? Do you want to actually have a pledge term?

10:21- Kubik is standing there old and wise. A whiskey man he is!

10:22- Berg informs us that the composite is tomorrow. No more chef this year in the composite which is good. Seamus will be in the top row again, which is disappointing. Evan and Sloppy will be the top center pictures, which nobody saw coming. I’ll be to the side of them, lurking over their shoulders with my pistol loaded. I’m John Wilkes Booth, Evan is Lincoln and Sloppy is Lincoln’s constantly pms-ing wife. Unlike Booth, though, I’m not going direct with this one. We’re going to have the elevated surface collapse a second time but the fall is deadly. (Again, I’m not saying I brought down Field in last week’s epic chapter, but I’m also not saying it was impossible.)

10:24- Chapter comes to a close as Eamon repeats exactly what Joey said before in a much more verbose, annoying manner.

The Blogger The Berry, The Sweeter The Jew

February 12, 2015

10:02- I’m in this über with Mucci and its cold outside the windows. It’s not a Blog winter quite yet, though. Its 9pm and there’s fire coming in the streets. People are gonna burn. Enough with this shepherd shit, the flamethrower is ready and I’m planning on going apeshit.

10:06- I’m here, the laptop is out.

10:07- Jablonus is wearing a Hartford Whalers hat. For y’all who do not know what the Hartford Whalers are, they were the only major league level sports team to ever play in the great city of Hartford, CT., or in the entire state for that matter. Of everyone here, Jablonus wouldn’t be my first choice to have represent my hometown, but they say any publicity is good publicity. I don’t know if I agree with that saying, though. Field loudly publicizes the “Connecticut kid” himself and that has brought only shame to my state.

10:08- Wouldn’t you know Wethersfield, Connecticut resident Eamon Wizner is next up to talk. He’s packing a lip, which is very much expected. We have two mixers this week on Thursday and Saturday, with an imaginary sorority and pi phi. That’s expected. We’re also going to begin practicing our serenade for pi phi to court them to be our pregame partners. You’re not a tricky fella, Eamon Hipzner.

10:09- To better court pi phi for pregame partners, Field informs the chapter to sit next to pi phis in class to get to know them better. I actually already am partners with two pi phis in one of my classes. It’s Mech E. 412 and its cross-listed with the Communications department. The course is entitled “How to motion to fellow elevator patrons that elevator weight capacity has been overshot and they’re fat so they should get off so we don’t all die,” and its taught by Jordan Mucci. (Easy A if you need three interdisciplinary credits (what is interdisciplinary? (Seriously, text me at (860) 670-8877))

10:09- We are doing St. Patty’s day at DU again! It was a decent enough party last time, except for the fact that Derek cried when nobody aided him in executing a surprise battle royal with chi phi at their place. Bennett was at espresso royale though, holding his once weekly coffee chats, so he couldn’t help. Sbloch was in his dorm with Eddie Royal, blowing him in a dire plea to have him sign for the Eagles. Julian was out of the country performing “Royals” in concert because Lorde was sick and she needed a doppelganger to be on stage and lip sync her songs. Garai was in his bed, but he was texting people that he was just offered a trial with El Real Madrid. He turned it down, though, because he was holding out for United.

10:10- Salad is wearing an MBiology shirt. The things he’ll do to convince Sonoma that he’s not the Indian (pardon my racism) Native American man for her! He declares Biology to prove there is no chemistry to be had between the two. He doesn’t partake in MVeg as a purposeful disrespect to cows. He sports a long chin scruff to prove his Cole to pull ratio is infinite. Yet, she seems immune to this. An Indian man who doesn’t smell like curry is just too good to pass up.

10:11- DiTo is drinking blue moon. Blue moon to beer is analogous to cranberry juice to all juices. He does look pissy, so in the words of French (and my favorite line from any movie), “Cranberry juice? What are ya on ya period?”

10:12- Armen states that he stills says “hi” to people from Greek week singing a couple years back. His odd comment is met with laughter from the chapter. I don’t appreciate that. He is one of a very select group to have freshman level commitment to the fraternity at such an age. Maybe he’s just slower to develop than others. Maybe he just got over those middle school awkward tendencies to avoid girls you know in the hallway rather than simply saying hi. Maybe he just got over his baby fat. Maybe he’s Benjamin Button. Maybe he’s not really Armenian. But his name’s Armen. If his name was Ian could he be a combination of many ethnicities? Stream of consciousness rants raise important questions.

10:13- Sbloch tells the chapter that we’re in first place of the winterfest donation race. In response, Joey gets up and screams like a 12-year old girl. Show me what it means to run “like a girl,” Joey.

10:15- Apparently you will most likely not be able to play in winterfest if you have not donated.

10:16- Scharich says we will “make up a presentation” tonight. What that means I have no idea. Could this be that we’re finally making a PowerPoint that details the reasons why Buttercup could be from each planet in the solar system? It’s certain that he’s not from earth or one of the rocky planets so we can take those off the list. I’d boldly guess Uranus. If there is one thing Buttercup is familiar with it’s your mother’s anus (or in Sloppy’s case, Steph’s anus. Does that mean Frank’s also from Uranus).

10:17- The pledges are getting pinned tonight. It’s kind of like marking German Jews with the Star of David except that Jews died whereas the pledges become temporary Delta flight attendants.

10:18- Seamus says we have two courses booked for the two days of frasters. Kubik applauds all of us and says we should keep our momentum from winterfest going for frasters. Do we get to brawl at frasters? Can we chuck each other off full-speed golf carts? The answer is yes.

10:21- Field is talking. Field is falling! He’s down! A leg of the elevated surface Field was standing on broke and the pious president collapsed with it. It was a humane moment in which the chapter spontaneously gave a standing ovation to gravity and its most current victim. If all my efforts as secretary solely result in demonstrating to the people that the fraternity is collapsing under Mr. President, I’ve done my job. This is a start.

Looking back at this crucial moment in our existence, historians will theorize that it was most likely the work of the deke illuminati that brought Field down on this epic night. Rumors will spread that this was my brainchild. Before the talk spreads to inconceivable spectrums, I will say this: Both my hands are glued to the keyboard during chapter. Where they are and what they are doing before chapter is not under my control. To the illuminati rumors: I’m working at the pyramids tonight.

10:22- DiBart says that father’s weekend has resurrected itself from 6-feet under to possibly being sweet. He didn’t say it that eloquently but rather just explained that there will be a father-son gun range event on Saturday morning of that weekend. It’s a great idea, but it was DiBart’s father who came up with it, not DiBart himself. There is no better way to Marvin Gaye Sr. your mistake of a son without getting arrested than doing it through an accident at a gun range, and DiBart’s father knows it.

10:24- Colin asks if the gun range is hard on fakes. Don’t worry Colin, just get crossed and you’ll make things happen.

10:25- JP says formal will either be in Detroit or Canada. I’m not quite sure where Chicago is because, according to Sean Pitt and Grant Lewin, you can live an hour outside of the city and still be “from Chicago.” I’m pretty sure its not in Canada, though, so it looks like Joey won’t be bringing hip-hop back to Chicago quite yet. JP’s face is bright red as he talks so could this be a subtle way of saying we are doing an Indian Native American (sorry again, Salad) themed formal?

10:27- Ian Marshall is here which is bold after last week. I am very confused why I am so infatuated with the child. I mean, his persona screams that one Santa elf that left the North Pole in high school to pursue his hoop dreams. In exploring the world he was so insulated to before, he met a Jewish boy who had the same hoop dreams he had. Together on the court the two of them were Jesus and Judas. Due to his admiration for the Jewish boy, Marshall erased his many stereotypes towards Jews; that they sucked the blood of gentile babies, that they killed God’s son, and that they only cared about money. On the court, they were money. They were one being. But older brothers are not accepting of lover boys. In October, Judas completed his destiny as a betrayer and Marshall has been lonely ever since. He cannot go back to the North Pole until the end of the semester. His hoop dreams are now hoop nightmares. He is as lost as Leonardo DiCaprio in Inception. Be his Ellen Page. Enter his nightmares and turn on the light.

10:28- Where were we? Oh yeah, Marshall got a haircut and its nice. It reminds me of a military cut, but more specifically, a military cut during World War II. It’s spiked around like he’s been in the trenches for hours. He’s just won the battle and his militant has taken control of the German concentration camp. Marshall sprints through the frigid camp only to see starving prisoners and dead bodies everywhere. He finds a young Jewish man around his age, fainting over himself on the icy grounds. Marshall asks what his name is and the Jew responds, “Scott Silverman.” Marshall looks at his identification tag and notices a crude basketball scribbled on the paper. Marshall asks if he balls and Silverman responds, “yes, I had hoop dreams before this all happened.” As he finishes his statement, he passes out, faints to the ground, and stops breathing. Marshall goes to feel his pulse and finds nothing. He considers resuscitating him but then realizes something truly startling. What is there to live for if one’s hoop dreams are gone?

10:29- Field delivers a fabricated story about Gerald Ford scrubbing dishes to pay dues. Spiro questions it and Field gives up as chapter comes to a close.

Outro- As I was putting my finishing touches on comments 10:27 and 10:28, Silverman passed by me in East Quad, sat down for a second, and said hello. He had no idea what I was typing and Seamus laughed.

Forgetting Ian Marshall

February 4, 2015

9:57- Cockrum is here and that’s weird.

9:58- Woz has a peg leg and it makes him look rather robotic. It’s a good trait to have as a pledge trainer, but you have to walk a fine line. Mr. Sussman refused to reveal he possessed any humanly emotions and that worked great. On the other hand, Lopatin refused to demonstrate he had a working knowledge of spoken language. That was just confusing for all of us. Mind that space, Woz.

10:02- Berg is here. He is dressed in all black and this is not for the fan of Levinson. In recent days he has been aiming straight for Emily Budicin’s pelvis. And he’s going to get it even if Levinson’s in the way. No matter how much you lurk, Levinson, from a distance during a 21st birthday party at East U, his juggernaut’s all in her juggernaut, don’t take me for jokes.

(The scary thing is that I made this joke before it even happened. The scarier thing is that I shouldn’t have limited it to one brother. Yes, I’m aware of Tony Barron, but new fuck buddies are new fuck buddies, don’t get involved. I’m specifically talking about a certain short New Jersey Jew that lives in church.)

10:04- We’re finally underway.

10:05- The zeta mixer was so terrible that a pledge dropped. His name is not Connor Walters so that’s a shame. Looking back at it, any of us could have dropped that night if we had just received bids. If you walked through that party blindfolded you would have been more likely to bump into an undercover DPS officer (DiBart) than an actual girl.

10:06- Torrey is wearing the same crew neck sweater he wore on Sunday. Torrey, if wasting two hours of your week walking up and down a few flight of stairs from the second floor to the basement to do laundry is too hard, have Sloppy refer you to Busybody’s. He gets 20% off his monthly plan if you do so.

10:07- In response to future emails from Derek about underclassmen attendance: Two people from your pledge class showed up; Kubik and you.

10:08- Cockrum is still here.

10:09- Walsh either has mouth herpes or his gum has extended out of his mouth to slowly conquer his face.

10:09- Two weeks from this Friday, some Jewish Greek life organization will host a free Shabbat dinner at our house. The Jews will stay for a party after as well. Chi O, done.

10:10- Scharich is pleading for us to fill houses tonight. He also instructs new-inits that they do not have the right to haze just yet. If you do so, what happened to Frank will happen to you, and that includes more than just being suspended from a whole pledge term. You will have a full-fledged bald spot at age 20, you will be forced to place your schlong in Steph’s muddy grounds, and your only friends will be bartenders at Cantina.

10:14- We will possibly have a BP tourney next Friday where all proceeds will go to winterfest. Bloch also urges us to continue to donate to winterfest, but only if you are financially independent. So sorry, Garai, we cannot accept Gabor’s donation.

10:15- Ian Marshall just looks pissed off and it’s incredibly intimidating. Nothing was the same since Silverman dropped and hoop dreams became a one-man journey. They miss each other. Silverman’s convex protruding Jewish nose once nestled beautifully into Marshall’s concave nose. In those moments both would feel whole in this scary world, yet, it just doesn’t feel right anymore. He has attempted to recover that feeling with his lineage but Toemas is too tall and Katz is too short. Marshall is as alone as ever in this world and he is acting out. Care for him. Love him. Be the alley to his oop.

10:16- Apparently winterfest donations are going towards Michigan autism awareness. I think I am going to make a joke about this in the chapter update but I’ll go for it here as well. Donations will go to causes such as “Put down that cake, don’t respond to your abnormal emotions with food” and “Offering x-boxes does not correlate to getting in her box” hosted by Jordan Mucci and Bryce Barlow respectively.

10:18- Field has an issue saying the word “abnormality.” Honestly, where did we find this guy? Did Colin go on an Adderall-binge and purchase the cheapest president he could find on Craigslist?

10:19- Butters and Barto are talking. I love them.

10:20- Chad looks like Flynn from “Breaking Bad.”

10:21- Kubik is the first to officially recognize Cockrum is here. He asks the new-inits if they know him and they say no. So let me introduce him. Once upon a time, Cockrum was our VP. Like any permanent VPs (not including temporary (I got you Tex)), he was not well received. Cockrum’s intensity was a true mean between Sloppy’s absolute inaction and Alfond’s “get out of my face, no seriously, you are actually inside my face” mannerisms. His sense of humor during chapters was a combination of Eamon’s subtle simplicity and DiBart’s creepiness. His looks resemble those of a Nazi like my lineage of Kamphuis, Cook, and Joel except for the fact that the Nazis would have gotten so fed up with Cockrum that they would have led him to the showers along with me. He appears to be so young that the average apparent age of him and Kubik could be that of a sophomore in college. He’s also Seamus’s big, which says a lot.

10:22- Jonah says we’re planning on having a 1-day Chicago formal. Yet, there’s a price issue with the busses; we can only hold 55 brothers and their dates in the two bus plan, for more busses would be too expensive. If we share dates though, we should be fine by my calculations. Every Jew outside of Levinson will be taking Emily Budicin by that time so there’s a start.

10:24- Slops says, “last time we went to Canada it didn’t go well” in response to a suggestion to hold formal on the other side of the border. Really Slops, it didn’t go well? Connecting emotionally on the bus with that girl who took it up the butt from Frank and meets your family’s elitist socio-economic class was not apart of your ideal trip? Sleeping below sitting dun didn’t meet your housing standards?

10:26- According to DiBart, events for father’s weekend looked to have fallen apart. I have an idea. Make it mother’s weekend because I’m fiending for Mrs. Buttercup.

10:27- Chapter comes to a close as deke of the week goes to those who got branded.

Blogger and a Dream IV

January 29, 2015

10:01- The only new inits not here are John Marks, Jay, and Ian. All three of them are at the Michigan’s Hitler Youth Group meeting. Jay and Ian are running for positions whereas John Marks is there under special request of the federal government to spy.

10:03- This scene is a perfect representation of the new e-board. Berg says to get money in and nobody listens. Field screams in an uncomfortable attempt to be funny and, in response, so does Sloppy. The difference is Field’s joke is anti-Semitic and Sloppy’s joke just isn’t funny.

10:04- We have pi phi on Thursday and zeta on Saturday, the themes being rave and jorts & jerseys respectively.

10:07- Through the talk of bowling for columbine adpi, Berg is the only thing I can pay attention to. He’s wearing black sweatpants, tan slippers, and a light blue hoodie with no shirt underneath. I would describe his look as the “lesbian who just got out of rehab looking to make it in the rap game.” If that’s what you’re going for, kudos Berg, you look like a post-pubescent Chad.

10:09- DiBart says he has quick and easy questions to ask about preferences over father’s weekend. The only thing that is ever quick and easy in this house is Steph with Frank from the backside. In healthy waters she loves Sloppy, but when her southern delta turns red, she’s fiending for the around-the-back Frank-quarter-footer.

10:11- Field says he is going to send out an email poll out soon to gather thoughts about the direction in which brothers want to see the fraternity go. If the options are an e-board military coup, dropping Kyle Walsh, and sacrificing Seamus to the Greek gods for a better house, I’m selecting all of the above.

10:13- Before the elections ensue, this place is a chaotic center where Field has minimal control. Might as well interview Evan Dale.

10:13- I ask him how effective Sloppy is at controlling brother points. Dale says, “Sloppy is making up shit as he goes…for example, he’ll say something like pretend like you guys are friends with my little Kunin and I’ll give you 50 brother points.”

10:14- I ask if Jarrett actually blows rushes. Dale replies, “No, he actually doesn’t. Toemas does though. Sean jerks off in the corner during, and then when he finishes, he makes you agree to forget this or he’ll get you dropped. He says that we can say Jarrett blew us, though, as an excuse. Now that I’m a brother I figure I can let this out.”

10:15- Through all of this, alumni elections are starting. We’re electing two and Sussman is up first. He says he’ll scare alumni with his yellow beanie and I’m convinced. He has everyone’s number and address so I’m not making any further jokes here.

10:17- The shant is turning into a coffee shop. I heard it’s going to be a Starbucks. If it is, it will be the first time theta girls ever came into a deke building.

10:18- Frank is up so this should be very interesting. He says he has experience doing outreach by going door to door. The story is that last summer, a group of Jehovah’s witnesses knocked on his door. They asked if he would like to hear the good news and he said yes. So they asked Frank if he needed salvation. Confused about the difference between Salvation Army and the idea of salvation, Frank said yes for he had $10 in his pocket and didn’t want to do his laundry. The men replied that to find salvation, he must confess his faith to Jehovah. Frank said he would. They commented back that the last step he needed to complete to become a witness was to convert, if he was previously devoted to another religion. Frank replied that his father was Jewish in zbt, but he’s now in tke, so he’s good to go.

10:20- Grant’s up last in the elections. His speech is at an MLK level. He begins straight forward and to the point, making great points. When asked why he wants to do this, he chokes up, wipes a tear off his cheek, and states that he wants to give back to deke. The crowd sobs with him. In fantastic fashion, he exits with a parting shot, saying that he “could have been vice-president or president.” Is it too late? I’ll vote for him!

10:22- Discussions.

10:25- Grant and Sussman win.

10:27- We’re on to academic chair elections with Barto starting the speeches. He wants to improve the drop box. He says that the first five to send in tests for the next semester get forties, and the very first gets to drink it in private with Barto himself. He’ll wine and dine you. He knows what he has to offer in the looks department, but he knows that Becca Ress craves a gentleman.

10:30- Butters is up and I’ve never been more excited. He’s promising x-boxes! He’s promising study rooms in the ugli! He’s promising segregation between brothers and pledges in the ugli! If there’s actually something deke stands for it is a rich white man who seemingly has plans of being a modern-day plantation owner.

10:33- Kunin is up but that is not the development I’m following. Noah is brushing his teeth on the couch and the majority of people have no clue this is happening. I’m not mad, I’m curious. Where did he get the toothbrush and tooth paste? If it’s his, why is he carrying this around? Does he carry this around in his backpack all day? If he does, what else does he have in there? Does he bring around a razor? He does look freshly shaven. Does he have a home? There has been a homeless guy lurking around our dumpster recently that fits his description. Or, was he just so excited about getting new dental products from CVS that he just couldn’t wait? Do people get excited about a new toothbrush? Do I? I don’t think so. Am I weird? Many questions, few answers.

10:41- Kunin lost. Barto is elected academic chair. Butters is elected social academic chair.

10:41- Jablonus nominates himself for philanthropy chair. He tried to tell JP to nominate him but JP didn’t understand, so Jablonus just went for it, following the successful footsteps of Julian running for pledge trainer.

10:42- You can either take that last joke as Jablonus having a lisp or JP being dumb. Both options are fine by me.

10:47- There are so many people running so I refuse to report any of this. I want Salad to win. Aside from that, Seamus hates all of us but he will win, Kubik is actually a big little father man, nobody in this crew is offering forties or x-boxes, and the new inits have innovative ideas that aren’t innovative. We’ll leave it at that.

10:52- Dito says he’s going to demand donations by “looking them in the face and asking if they can.” You went to a private school Dito. Just because, unlike Garai, you actually have an accent doesn’t mean you’re French out of the Departed.

10:57- This is going to be a long discussion so I might as well fill the time with a very hypothetical riddle:

Over a timeless formal, 100 dekes and their 100 dates stay in a Chicago hotel. They are the only inhabitants of the entire building.

Each of the 200 people is completely logical. Yet, each is very promiscuous and loves to gossip. On the first day, many dekes cheat on their dates. Rumors spread to the point where everybody, except for the actual date, knows about the unfaithfulness of the rumored deke instantly. In other words, a date knows which dekes, except for her own, are unfaithful right away. She is never told directly whether or not her date has cheated.

If a girl can logically deduce that her deke date is unfaithful, she must, by the law of the hotel, kill him that day at noon. If she cannot logically deduce the faithfulness of her date that day, she must wait until the next day at noon.

On the second day, the hotel manager arrives at 11am and tells everybody the news that at least one deke has cheated on his date.

If 13 men have cheated, how many days after the hotel manager arrived to deliver the news (on the second day) will the 13 men be killed?

11:11- Seamus and Salad are the philanthropy chairs, with Kubik as their advisor and Dito as the Greek week head.

11:12- Chapter comes to a close.


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