In the spirit of the Republican national primary debates I would like to talk about lies. Lies like “Hillary had nothing to hide on that email server” (It was old lady porn. Gross.) “Ben Carson is black” (He’s Kunkel doing a very convincing blackface) and “Vaccines cause autism” (No seriously, Donald Trump said that.)
The ancient greek playwright Aeschylus once wrote, “The first casualty of war is the truth”. We are at war, and the truth died a long time ago. As your secretary, I swore to give you the truth. I swore to answer the important questions: “Did Ross make it back alive?” “Is Conor Walters even alive?” “Who IS Austin Fisher, exactly?”. But war changes people. All we have are our lies. Lies like “The blog will get released in a timely fashion”. I can’t give you the truth, because I can’t find it myself. In these trying times, the least I can do is open your eyes to the lies we have been told. Lies like…
Lie #1 “President Schlissel Cares About Greek Life”
6:45-I stand outside hill auditorium. 3,250 sorority girls squealing about their new Vera Bradley nipple piercings. 2,210 frat guys screaming “faggot” at lamp posts. Above all this I hear Field’s banshee screech from 100 yards away. The one screech to rule them all.
7:00- President Shlissel Schlishel Schnitzel tries to dull the roar of 6,000 pissed off Greeks with an instrumental rendition of bittersweet symphony. Is this supposed to calm us down?
7:01- A PowerPoint plays with news headlines of all the mistakes fraternities have made in the last year. They forgot the time the Omicron chapter of Delta Kappa Epsilon’s president shit on a DG. They also forgot the time we gave Scott Silverman a bid.
7:03- Fuck, they’re playing the song on a loop.
7:06- Fourth time around. At least its better than listening to Asheville talk.
7:09- Fifth time around. How much time would it have taken to make a playlist?
7:11- Sixth time around. I’m at a “stuck walking behind a group of freshman” level of annoyed.
7:14- Seventh time around. I’ll up it to a “Student organization won’t take you off their mailing list”
7:17- Fuck. Eight times. I take it back. I’d rather attend Mucci’s one man show on why he thinks black people smell funny than listen to this song one more time.
7:18- Mercifully, the meeting starts. Some woman takes the stage and starts talking. She is mad ugly. No wonder she hates Greek life, the only way she would ever have gotten fucked by a Deke is if she was mistaken for a goat.
7:20- THEY SAID KUBIK’S NAME.
7:23- Dr. E. Royster Harper comes on stage. Holy shit her voice is wonderful. She sounds like Barto looks. I have no idea what she is saying, but I agree.
7:27- President Stencil has taken the stage. He starts off his speech talking about all the great charity work greek organizations have done. Yup that’s us… big on charity…
7:28- Do we even have a philanthropy chair anymore? Could we write off dicking fat girls as charity? If so I nominate JFrank.
7:30- I wonder what percentage of the University’s Jewish population is here right now? The GDP of this room’s daddys are higher than most developing nations. If somebody bombed this auditorium global stock markets would crash from all the grieving CEO’s.
Can I be arrested for that last sentence?
Smaller fish, but the summer camp industry in New York would also be devastated from the loss of all its counselors.
Christ this blog took a turn.
7:35- Speaking of hateful, President Shitball is still talking. His words sound stupid and geedy. Fucking beta. The Dekes can sense his weakness and leave en masse. It feels like a power move but can there be a power move if president Sluthole holds all the power? Ponder it.
7:36- President Spaceballs gives a speech so powerful and moving everything fixed itself that day. The eloquence of his words coupled with the truth of his message spark something in the Greek community. Every fraternity and sorority recognized the need for change. They gave up partying and drunkenly fucking each other. These childish days were behind them. The fraternities reverted to their founding purpose: a place to discuss literature and share their poetry.
The momentum carried across the nation. President Scheinholtz’s message reformed fraternities across the nation. Everything was fixed. He was hailed as a hero and this day was forever known as the Great Greek Awakening.
The Omicron chapter of Delta Kappa Epsilon remains to this day the only chapter untouched by his message.
Lie # 2: Chapter is held on Mondays and the chapter update will be released by Thursday.
9:45- Chapter starts. There are like 16 guys here max.
9:55- E Board spends 10 minutes talking about how they don’t have much to talk about.
9:57- We’re on SoPro during sorority rush. Fuck, how are we going to throw our geeds only mixer? The theme was ATO.
9:59- Aaaaand we’re yelling about Sig. This is usually where I check out and start playing minesweeper.
10:00- Baumer is bringing up some compelling points. He sounds calm, collected, and raises reasonable criticism.
10:03- Aaaand Eboard is yelling at him. He’s the Baumer we need, but not the Baumer we deserve.
10:05- Fisher starts talking. I know everybody is looking for me to write something funny about this, but seriously I can’t do anything to match the beauty of his complete public meltdown. If you were there, the Blog Gods have given you a gift for attending chapter. Remember this gift. Treasure it always. Hold it close to your heart.
10:06 to 10:26: More yelling, and nothing of value. This is a good time for me to address a serious question.
Where the fuck is Conor Walters?
No seriously, should we be worried? Is he hurt? Is he in danger?
I think we should put together a search party. I nominate Chad because his dick can sniff out Walters’ asshole like a bloodhound, DiTo because he looks like a cop, Shivam because he’s not even enrolled in this school so he has plenty of time to look, and Dale because DiTo will get lonely without his lover.
The search should follow this route:
First go to the wig shop, either because he wants his sweet flow back, or he’s been searching this whole time for the perfect wig to spice things up with Chad.
Second, search Wynona’s snatch. Dekes have been known to get lost there.
Third, check the IFC office. Its possible that after the incident last year the University planted him as a sleeper agent. He has been gathering information this whole time. If found here, assassinate him on the spot.
10:27- “I don’t even know who you are.” With one sentence Bednar ravaged Fisher like he was New Orleans and it was 2005. FEMA had to come through and clear the emotional wreckage. For a moment I thought Bednar was JFrank, and the New-Inits were Steph’s butthole. That joke is like 3 years old now but I’m not letting it die on my watch.
10:28- Nothing of significance happened after this. This was the Deeph date party of chapters.
Lie #3 “Don’t worry, EBoard will handle it”
9:45- 29 members file into the room. 16 of them are wearing Mount Dekemore shirts. Its not hive mind if you’re in a frat.
9:47- Asheville has a laptop. What did he bring a laptop to chapter for? That’s my thing. Is he trying to usurp me? If it happens again I’ll kill him cold blooded right there on the chapter floor.
9:49- Zach is addressing the entire chapter with his hand down his pants. Is that what gets you off Zach? Pleasuring yourself in front of your brotherhood? Is it a power move? Why are you doing this to us? Why is everyone OK with this?
9:52- We’re having another tailgate with Alpha Sig on Saturday. Yes, we’re still paying these guys money to not let us in to our own parties. Don’t worry, Eboard will handle it.
9:56- WAIT SHIT CONOR WALTERS IS HERE! Where has he been? Was it his and Chad’s honeymoon? Did they have a good time? Where did they go? Why wasn’t I invited to the wedding? I’m so happy for them.
9:59- We “technically” have a bar pregame with Pi Phis next week. I say technically because if we’ve learned one thing from Pi Phi its that the key to social climbing is burning bridges. Do I sound bitter? I am.
10:03- Thursday we’re doing a rush event called “Around Ann Arbor” where we teach the rushes about DKE traditions. There will be a “Tahitian” theme room, a “Desparate Pi Phi” room, a “Too drunk to get it up” room, and of course an “Eboard will handle it” room.
10:05- JFrank has finally brought up what’s on all of our minds. EnvoyNow ™. See its a new food delivery startup here at Michigan that will save you both time and money. They deliver exactly where you are whether that’s the third floor of the Ugli or 14th floor of landmark. No markups and quick delivery times. What a great deal.
10:08- Dito has an Evan Dale nametag on his back and he doesn’t know it. Smart of you to mark your possessions Evan. He must have noticed Jarrett eyeballing Dito. Dale’s getting jealous and protective, and its really cute.
10:11- The time honored tradition of electing pledge trainers is matched by the other time honored tradition of apathetic brotherhood. 3 of the 6 individuals nominated for pledge trainer didn’t show up to run.
10:15- The pledge trainers give their speeches. Selling points: Eamon lives in the house and got hazed by Nate. Nate’s a senior and thus is removed enough from freshman year to not see them fully as people. Spiro brings a rain-man like memory of Deke history, and an upbeat, never say never kind of attitude.
10:20- The chapter votes for 2 pledge trainers and chapter ends.
10:22- Just kidding. Nate walks back into the room and treats the voters as the uppity bunch of ex-pledges he sees us as. Through the will of his word alone he brings the entire chapter back into session, and reverses the decision of a final vote. We will have 3 pledge trainers because Nate wants three pledge trainers. Nate’s power moves are so strong he uprooted the democratic process. These pledges are fucked.
This blog post has been brough to you by EnvoyNow™.
The year is 2015. The draconian leaders of the University of Michigan have waged a culture war on its most American institution. The University wants us to Stay in the Blue. The University wants us to Expect Respect. The university wants to make this great nation Finland. Fuck Finland.
If America were a person he would do coke off of the bathroom seat in Cantina. If America were a person he would puke on the roof of his own house. If America were a person you can bet your ass he would haze the balls off his pledges. If America were a person he would be Eamon. This university wants to make us all a bunch of Silvermans.
This is where our story begins. With the national media against us, the police out to get us, and Shlissel plotting our demise, the dekes have their backs against the wall. In this desperate situation we find an unlikely ally. A resistance force of radical, war torn Judaists have been operating as a gang (a literal gang, like by definition.) outside the control of the university. With their support, we fight to preserve the American way of life the only way we know how: yelling over each other at chapter meetings. This blog chronicles our struggle, so that our story can live on.
9:05- The Master of Ceremonies Collin sits down in his wheelchair, indicating that both chapter and my sophomore year have officially started. Field thinks he is in charge but he is mistaken. Our benevolent witch Collin holds all the power, and the wheelchair is his staff. Collin only allows Field the illusion of control because he is above the petty affairs of us mere mortals. We are all blessed by His presence.
9:06- DiTo walks in sporting his usual attire of a black robe, Sam Adams, and Halloween store fake eyebrows. Why has Dito stopped wearing anything but that robe? Could it be now that Brady is free he has nothing left to fight for in life? Is it so that Dale has easier access to his balls for their bi-hourly love making? Its likely the latter; Tom Brady isn’t the only one who likes his balls tender.
9:10- The University has caught wind of our Juicy J concert and has offered us a reasonable proposition. We can have the Juicy J concert, but we have to sacrifice Field in tribute. Sounds like a fair bargain.
9:11- There is a community meeting tomorrow at 7 at Hill Auditorium. I’m going to break this down so that even JP can understand. If you are reading this you are a brother of DKE.
If you do not we will have a semester of brotherhood events.
9:14- Sean Pitt told me to say something in the chapter update but he gives me the creeps. I trust his judgement less than I trust Devos to pay dues, but more than I trust Kunkel to not touch people in their sleep.
While we’re on the topic of Creepy Uncle Kunkel, he fucks kids. I can’t prove this, but by the same logic uses to call all Muslims terrorists, or all black people thugs, I can say that all people named Jared fuck kids. (Those with variations on the name such as Jarrett, incidentally also fuck kids.)
9:16- Scharich is paying dues. Manheimer can dunk a basketball. JFrank touched his toes. One of these equally unlikely statements is true.
9:17- Garai is wearing an Aruba shirt. Bold move wearing a shirt of a nation you can neither locate on a map nor say the name of properly.
9:20- Dale talks about rush. Are we still looking for someone to send to prison as tribute to Juicy J? Think about it Dale. A house full of strangers. Alcohol that tastes like shit. Giving sexual favors to men to advance yourself socially. It’s a lot like rush, you might like it.
9:22- A short assed chapter concludes with everyone applauding themselves for showing up. Really proud of you guys.
9:55- The only people at chapter right now are the new inits and J Frank. Frank could actually drink every one of them,
9:57- Spiro walks in. Jacob Frank says he looks like Badger from Breaking Bad. I think he looks more like a stub nosed monkey. Could he be both?
10:04- Barto sits next to me. I am honored to be in his vicinity. He says nothing for the entirety of chapter, but his presence is known by all. The members ache to please him. Chad is envious of the bench seat beneath him. He whispers silently to himself “Why can I not be that bench” as a single tear rolls down his cheek.
10:04- Chapter begins.
10:05- In the interest of time we agree to ask the same three questions to each rush chair candidate: “Do you have a blazer and an overdeveloped sense of self worth?” “Are you soulless enough to tell a freshman that speed dating counts as a mixer with Kappa?” and “spit or swallow?”
10:06: Chad, Frank and Dalé are nominated for rush chair. New inits still can’t speak. Gibson and Kunkel are nominated for rush chair through sign language. Shivam isn’t at his first chapter ever, but he tried to nominate himself through smoke signals. He was unable to do so because he’s the wrong kind of Indian.
10:07: I know it looks like Dito is trying to grow a moustache. His mouth is actually trying to grow a third eyebrow. This is a symptom of Dito’s rare and terminal medical condition. His eyebrows grow like cancer, and the cancer is spreading. Within 3 months Dito will be nothing more than a giant eyebrow. Pray for Dito.
10:09- Peltz is talking. Don’t think I don’t see you Peltz. I see all. I know all. The only reason you are alive to read this is because I am a benevolent god.
10:10- Evan wants to create a Yik Yak monitor before rush. You can’t suppress my first amendment rights you fucking liberal.
10:11- The Yik Yak czar wants to bring back Ichiban Sushi. DOWN WITH THE IMPERIALIST WEST. LONG LIVE THE PEOPLE’S WAR. LONG LIVE OUR GLORIOUS LEADER.
10:18- Armen asks Frank if he would acquiesce to Sig’s rush chair. Frank, befuddled by the question, responds “I like long island Jews”
“Acquiesce: To accept something reluctantly but without protest.”
10:23- The Kunk runs for rush chair on the position of “I like all kinds of people”. He’s not lying, he just doesn’t consider minorities to be people.
Some other quotable snippets from Kunkel this week, courtesy of our groupme after he got kicked out of Cantina:
“Fuck Michigan and their inbred fuckin beards”
“Fuck Michigan all the money I pay to this worthless cock sucking miserable impoverished fucking state, y’all are peasant Ass mofckers”
and my personal favorite, “Ass face throat”
10:28- Chad claims to have done rush 3 times because he did most of Jarret’s work. There’s an important distinction to be made here. Jarrett sucked freshman dick because he was elected to do so. That makes him a rush chair. You sucked freshman dick because you wanted to. That makes you a pedophile.
10:37 – Sounds came out of Ashville’s mouth. They sounded similar to words, but certainly not words of this language. Was he having a religious experience? Was he speaking in tongues? Regardless, his moment with God was cut short because there was vodka to finish.
10:39- Evan and Jonah gave a “pitch” about Sig. Never have two speakers been so fond of their own voice.
What followed was another shit-throwing fest about sig. I could talk about it, but truthfully, if you need the blog to know about the sig thing, you don’t deserve to have an opinion on the sig thing. Instead, we have a larger issue. There are new inits on our floor. Be that as it may, many of the older members have said they still barely know them. Its too late to get mad, but the least I can do is give you a cheat sheet on how to remember them.
Andrew Vaysman: Contrary to popular belief, the used car salesman who has been walking around this house is actually your brother now. Tall and dark enough that girls forget about the third thing he could have been. On the other hand I heard his cousin could get you beats real cheap. Cried because he had to eat a fish.
Austin Fisher: Commonly refered to as Lord Farquaad, this new init’s claim to fame is getting impeached by his high school student council. Enthusiasm while drinking: 10. Ability to drink: 2.
Charlie Gibson: Common referred to as asian Mucci. If you took a balloon that looked like Kunin and overinflated it I imagine it would look a lot like Gibson. He is John Cho having an allergic reaction. He also pretty much saved my life on the way back from a darty once. So that was nice.
Christian Beckwith: Probably told you to fuck off at some point. Don’t be mad at him for being grumpy, he has to live with Noah. Looks like Bobby from king of the hill.
Conor Walters: You all know who the fuck Conor Walters is. Turns out he’s alright. Still, we bid him for his “sick hair” and now he’s bald, so I don’t see why he’s still here.
Shivam Vyas: The wrong kind of Indian. Really a shame.
Danny Kahn: Doesn’t look Jewish in a “New York tax lawyer” kind of way, looks Jewish in a “could have built the pyramids” kind of way. I thought his name was Zach Peltz for a good month into pledge term, so if you mess it up too, he understands.
Jared Kunkel: On the express track to becoming somebody’s racist uncle. Despite being Jewish, he might be a holocaust denier. Took dumpster fire to a formal, and we will never let him forget it.
Josh (Jason) Ashville: The one, the only. This kid takes so much heat from brothers I have no right to add to his pain. Starred in the Pixar film Ratatouille as Alfredo Linguine.
Josh Taranto: This little rascal’s claim to fame is having a car. And driving it drunk. Which is not fucking cool. One time JP drove his car to the Detroit airport and back and gave him 5 dollars. This would have been shitty, if JP could understand money.
Nick Kells: I can never tell if this kid is drunk or not. Talks like somebody who has years of problem drinking behind him. Drinks like all the new inits: poorly.
Michael Rygiel: Christian Bateman, American Psycho.
Mitch Baker: There’s always one. If you’re looking for Mitch he’s probably hammered and causing harm to himself or others. Lost over $1000 of valuables in Canada. At least he came home with more dignity intact than Joey. Then again, Joey got more action from a border patrol agent than Mitch did from his girlfriend.
Robin Buttar: Contrary to popular belief he is not Shivam. No matter how many times you call him Shivam he will not become Shivam.
Zach Peltz: Too nice of a guy. Might be a sociopath. You probably like him, but you don’t trust him.
Tom Kidd: You probably took this kid’s lunch money back in elementary school. Then he got tall. You could still probably take his lunch money.
Seniors, these hopeful young fellows are the future of our fraternity. Come up and say hi some time, because they won’t initiate the conversation.
10:00- Torrey is wearing a black Jonathon Quick jersey so I’ll make a shout out to Avon Old Farms.
10:00- Julian is wearing a colorful outfit with a vest, hat, long-sleeve shirt, and Nike’s. If I were to classify it I’d say he looks like a lesbian soccer mom with a beard who is in rehab for overdosing on heroin. The scariest thing about that classification is that outside of the lesbian woman part it’s not that far from the realm of future possibility.
10:02- Armen is reciting an elongated story to somebody, but clearly that somebody is not listening because Armen keeps talking and nobody’s responding. Manheimer just showed up and he looks stressed out, but relative to his normal levels of anxiety, he’s calm. Dale just showed up from his Econ test. I’d like to imagine he did well but Jews are the only ones allowed to do well in Econ. DiBart is here and nobody seems excited about that. Worst of all, Sloppy is here, and he is beyond awkward holding this basketball in his hands. I know that under the new Deke rules I’m supposed to say complexion don’t mean a thing but you could throw that chunky monkey an extra two steps every time he drives the lane and he’d put up less in a night than a washed up Marcus Camby.
10:04- According to the socials we’re on sopro for two weeks in the aftermath of Tahitian. Not bad, but while everybody applauds the socials I’m over here booing the VP. Like clockwork, Vortex brings up that we should train our sobers working the door how to deal with cops. Here’s my suggestion: We strap down the lame excuse for a VP some of us refer to as Sloppy and surgically attach a pair of cow balls over his inny. Sloppy’s balls: third source of breast milk. Sloppy’s future two baby boys: second and third source of East Egg pussy.
10:06- Certain people get mad when I go in that hard. Levinson, he’s not one of the tri-state Jews fucking your girl so calm down. Bennett, Sloppy has paid his dues so this has nothing to do with that.
10:06- Some people can’t handle the truth. That’s why I’m here. One person who certainly can’t handle the truth is Jacob Weinberg because he’s going in on me real-time. He’s just brought up that I told him earlier in the semester that I’d make a Google doc or something along those lines that would organize the social schedule, among other things. Sounds like an interesting idea Berg, the next secretary should probably do that.
10:07- Pay for your frasters gear, Ian Marshall, and stop playing Yung Salad. Last time someone played Yung Salad like that they were in a corpse six-feet under in minutes after he got a couple of home boys on them. And no Pai Mei can train you to get out of this sticky situation. And no Scott Silverman can save you this time. There was a time when he was there for you but he picked the streets and you picked Mucci. There was a time when you went to the roof and shined your big-nose light across Ann Arbor and Silverman was there for you, but Silverman is no longer the hero Ian Marshall needs. There is no light inside the corpse so pay Yung Salad or let him show you the game.
10:09- We will actually still have house next year. Whether we have sex and drugs, who knows? We will still have Alfond so that’s something I think. We’ll probably still be stuck with DiBart, too. Hey if hell week starts soon I’ll have the sex, drugs, and house rendition entitled “House, Alfond, and Birdman DiBart” with an added two-minute Evan Dale outro ready to go. There will also be a digital booklet that will solely be comprised of Sussman peeing on sleeping dudes.
10:11- Barto is looking mysterious by the door in the distance. Lewin wants to be him, Eamon wants to be with him, and Sean wants Barto to vote for him in the CSG elections. I just want you to love me like Nelson.
10:12- E-board is talking about collecting dues, which is always a fun topic. The guys are interested in paying this company to help organize our collection of payments and enforcement of punishments for not paying. They say this is how we’re keeping the house. Hiring a company to do the dirty work doesn’t seem fun though. Rather, throw Colin some Adderall and a loaded AR-15 and he’ll hunt down the debtors. He may also go on a murderous rampage in which he kills anybody that has ever been mean to Garry, but I think that’s a cause everybody would support. On top of that, after hooking up with Glanzman last semester, Manheimer would probably be the first death. Nobody outside of Jacob Frank would be that mad about that, so I support Colin #MakeMichigan.
10:14- Jay Karafa is here fresh out of his EQ shift. Fresh he is, the new risk manager on the block. Taller than Sean, more flow than Sean, more resemblance to Bennett than Sean; this move seems like an improvement. The only question I have is to what extent is he actually the risk manager. I have Butters write these and send it from my email account so I want to know if Joey’s really doing all of Jay’s work. Nah, April Fool’s, I have Classic C-mus do it.
10:15- According to the philanthropist Classic C-mus, Frasters tee times have been moved up to accommodate for the people that want to go to the Spring Game. Kubik intervenes in the speech and reminds us all that we’re not on Deke property. I don’t think anybody was confused about that but it makes sense why Kubik felt the need to inform us. When a guy spends half of his time living in the house locked in his room, hanging upside down by his feet, masturbating to pictures of his little Jacob Frank porking Molly Morris as Kyle Walsh films in the corner while fingering his own asshole, I’d imagine it would be easy to become disoriented with this world.
10:18- The pledge event tonight will be ring of fire with an opening act of recitation. And as expected, the chapter explodes into complaining about how terrible these pledges are. As expected, but still incredibly, Armen is now making this discussion about himself. Rather, he’s complimenting himself. Even though he’s a current equivalent to an Armenian not-so-funny version of George Lopez, he does look flexible for his size. You’d have to be flexible and anatomically incorrect to talk on-and-on, give yourself a rim job, and gag on your own 4-inch dick at the same time. But somehow he does it and I applaud him.
10:19- Berg’s complaining about not getting interviewed by these pledges. You live with chi phis so that could be a reason but you say that most of the pledges have been at your house. I’d like to say they’re busy doing things at your place like cleaning but all you normally want to do is smoke, chill, and talk about who is going to be the NBA MVP with incredibly annoying reasons such as “yooooooo” and “but Westbrook.” Hmm, why don’t they want to interview/talk to you?
10:20- There is a beer pong tournament with a fake sorority that used to associate itself with Lady Reyes and thief/crack fiend Heidi on Thursday at 8. We don’t even know if they have nationals’ approval to have pregame partners but most of us enjoy beating women in activities that we’d lose in playing against dudes (Armus and Grant). It should be fun.
10:21- JP’s talking about formal and it seems like he was unable to recruit more brothers to sign up for formal. But, he does say junior socials have intentions of having a yacht date party next year. Man, the people we could kill by throwing them off the boat! Nobody would ever know! I should’ve probably held back that comment considering Sloppy has the money to hire a trained assassin on me, but hey, I’ll figure out a way to stop that. Let me think.
10:22- In the meantime, new-inits are being nominated for next year’s e-board positions and this is the most disorganized thing I’ve ever seen. Just when your idea of Field as a president starts to improve, this happens. I have no clue who is being nominated for what so I’ll just throw in my own votes preemptively.
10:23- VP: Ross Jablonus. I want to say John Marks but I think complaining about the VP is too integral of a deke pastime. Marks would actually do a good job and he can use words, so we can’t have that. Jablonus on the other hand would throw the future secretary so much good material.
10:24- Treasurer: I’m voting Neil Orans if he stops wearing American Eagle clothes.
10:25- Risk Manager: Jay, so fresh so clean.
10:26- Social: Ian Marshall, Alec Franks, and Ross Jablonus again.
10:27- Rush: Connor Walters because he looks sick, Jarrett because he thinks he looks sick, and Colin because he’s a sick menace (and because he looks rough with his beard).
10:28- Secretary: Either Alec Franks, Evan Dalé, or DiTo. I do want another battle royale, chapter update style, for whomever does run.
10:29- Field says we will end chapter by continuing our conversation about changing the culture of deke. All good things are being said. The crowd becomes loud and Sloppy fails miserably at settling everybody down. Vortex enters the conversation to tell the chapter to be careful about what we say on the listserve.
10:29- There’s the answer to how to stop Sloppy from hiring an assassin to kill me on the yacht date party! I’m leaking this blog and having the Michigan Daily publish it! They are power tripping hard on aiding the process to get fraternities kicked off. This would be a done deal. We’ll be those hardcore off-campus kids. I may be tried in the court of law and sentenced to a few years in jail for bullying among other things, but I’ll still be alive. Sloppy can’t risk his hopes of retiring at 50-years old in South Florida by going through with my murder because I already predicted it in the blog! He’d be the primary suspect!
10:30- Deke of the week goes to Noah for creating the awesome new soundboards as chapter comes to a close.